photo{s} a day, eighteen: perception versus reality.
It's been a really long week, you guys. I have had a lot of time to sit around to think, process and reflect - about a lot of things. I'm such a Type A kind of gal that I want to hold everything together. Most of the time, I can manage, doing a pretty good job of just that. But when things happen that are completely out of my control, that I cannot fix - wow - does that ever leave me feeling uncertain {i.e. the past 12 days. I can't make things better. I cannot fix anything. I just have to let it run it's course.}
Really, if I'm honest, even though I may often look like I have things all together on the outside, most of the time {more often than not} I don't. Sometimes, I'm probably even unraveling at the seams. But for whatever reason, I feel like I have to have it all together. I feel like things have to look picturesque or else I risk the judgment of others. I mean, cause let's face it - everyone else seems to have it all together.
I think that's one of my biggest frustrations. First of all, let me tell you from the get go, I know all of these things I am speaking of are lies. Lies that I allow myself to believe. Also, I don't think we all need to sit around wallowing in our own self pity. But what I do wish, is that there could be a little more vulnerability amongst us all. I wish people were more real - more raw. I wish I didn't have to be afraid to speak of my insecurities, my struggles and even my dreams. The driving thought going through my head right now is what are people thinking while reading this. Do they see me as weak? Are they reading too much into what I'm saying? Should I just hit delete? And, what am I getting at anyway - this is just nonsense.
The bottom line is, I have a ton of insecurities. I am betting you do too. I just started a book entitled, "So Long Insecurity" and am anxious to dive even deeper into it. Here's a short quote from the inside cover...
"We're insecure about everything from our looks to our worth as women, from our relationships to our futures, and everything else in between. You name it, and we're probably insecure about it. Let's be honest here. Insecurity makes us miserable. It cripples us. It makes fools of us. It makes us feel worthless. Insecurity has been a bad friend to us. The bottom line is that it's self-sabatoge."
- Beth Moore
This afternoon as I was thinking, I thought of the example of a mirror. Mirrors "represent truth and illusion at the same time. They show us ourselves as we are -- yet not quite."
There's what we see and then there's reality. Depending on our current circumstances, state of mind, past, etc. what we see can be completely other than what is actually there - what is real.
Example: The first photo is what I see in the mirror.
The second photo is what is real. Although in premise, it basically looks the same, it's backwards. It's opposite. Even though it is a glimpse of reality, it is not completely accurate.
I hope I am making sense here. Bottom line is, I have had a hard week. I don't want to have had a hard week. I want to be strong and I don't want it to be about me, because it's not. Sometimes I struggle with understanding how I should feel. I believe that God created us with feelings and emotions, yet they shouldn't control us. My prayer is that I can just give it all up. My control is such a weakness. A sin. I find security in things I can control, rather than allowing God to have control. I know I'll get past this bad week, this bad day and these overwhelming thoughts. I pray that in the midst of it, I will give it all up and know that no matter what, God is in control.
"That people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things."
Isaiah 45:6-7
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| The boys watching their homemade pizzas cook. |
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| the new way to eat at your high chair. |
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| a photo simply wasn't happening today. happy 4th ;) |
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