From My Heart..

People are so interesting to me - everything that composes a person - their personality, quirks, habits, etc. all add up to make each person completely unique. We are all wired a particular way, having different strengths and weaknesses. It's easy to notice these differences in relationships with other people, as we will get along great with some, and not so great with others. We are sometimes drawn to people that are opposite of us, because their differences are intriguing, yet there's comfort in the familiar of those that can easily relate on the same level as we do. I say all this because I've been thinking a lot about me as a person and how I operate. I know to most, I am probably not easily understood. I definitely don't feel like I express myself very well, as it's often hard for me to open up and just let loose to be me. I don't find this to be a positive quality, because of how this reads to other people - it most likely appears that I am stand offish or maybe even rude. I've always had more of a quiet nature and combining that with a lack of self-confidence, this pairing doesn't go together very well. There's so many times I'll want to talk to someone, but just don't know quite what to say. Maybe that sounds silly, but communication doesn't come easy for me - just ask my husband. Because I feel this is a huge weakness of mine and I get easily intimidated and self conscious, I tend to hold things inside. Of course I have my theories as to how I became this way and could rationalize to anyone why, but this really isn't beneficial. Basically, I really just need to work on it. I had several reasons for beginning a blog, but to be honest, one reason was so that people could see a different side of and in a sense get to know me. There is so much in my heart that I would love to share with people, yet I often miss opportunities to do so. That, to me, is sad.

So, speaking of my heart, I'd like to open up a bit on some things that have been going on with me - literally having to do with my heart. Reading the above paragraph, it's not shocking that only a handful of people know about this to begin with. My heart has been doing some strange things lately, dating back to September. I was actually in Texas the first time it happened. I was getting ready and all the sudden got incredibly light headed. It wasn't going away, so I went and sat down on the bed. This didn't help, if anything I felt worse. My arms and legs began going numb and my heart was racing and pounding out of my chest. I have never in my life been so scared, as there's no way to describe how fast my heart was beating - I've never felt this even after a crazy intense run. Then I started to black out - I didn't collapse or anything, but couldn't really see. At that point I screamed at my mom in an absolute state of panic and she came running in the room. I am not exaggerating when I say that I really thought it was the end and was wondering what would happen to my boys. My mom came and held my hand, and I asked her to just talk to me, to try and relax me. It took about an hour for all the symptoms to completely go away, as during that time they came and went in varying degrees of intensity. Afterwards I really didn't know what to do, feeling incredibly scared and really weak. The next few days I was scared, wondering when and if it would happen again. All was fine until a couple weeks later, and I started experiencing the same symptoms while in Target. Again, I began to panic, but tried to calm myself down so it would stop. I stopped in my tracks and began taking deep breaths. I stood there for minutes until things died down. I finally decided to call my doctor and set up an appointment. After discussing what was going on, he decided it'd be best to wear a heart monitor, which was to be worn 24 hours a day for 4 weeks. You guessed it - I hid this too! Luckily it was during the winter, so I dressed accordingly in shirts with high neck lines to hide the probes and also tried wearing longer tops, so I could cover the monitor that was attached to my jeans. How I managed this everyday, I'm not sure - unless people saw it and never said anything. In any case, luckily the monitor picked up some of these episodes. On one instance, I went to the ER, but by the time I got back there after waiting what seemed like a couple hours, the symptoms had stopped. An EKG only records for 30 seconds, and showed nothing since the symptoms were gone. The doctor did nothing that night and referred me right back to the Cardiologist I already had an upcoming appointment with. Keep in mind, this has been a process. I would have thought that in dealing with your heart, they could speed everything up a bit, but I had to wait over a month just to get the monitor and weeks for all my appointments. I've had different tests and now on Thursday I am having a catheter ablation. This is where a catheter is inserted into a chamber or vessel of the heart for investigational and interventional purposes. A small incision is made in your groin area and the catheters are then inserted into this incision. With the help of x-ray images, the catheters are threaded up to your heart. The electrophysiologist uses the catheters to detect the faulty electrical pathways that are causing your arrhythmia. They will induce the symptoms to see exactly what you're heart is doing. Electrodes on the end of the catheter are then used to create tiny scars on the wall of your heart. These scars act as roadblocks to keep your heart’s electrical impulses traveling in the right direction. Catheter ablations typically take from 3-6 hours, depending on the complexity. So yeah, that is what's going to happen and though I am fully confident in the doctor and the procedure, I cannot say I'm not getting somewhat anxious about it.

So, why am I choosing to talk about this now? Several reasons. I know there are people that care about me that would be upset not knowing all this is going on. My reasons for not telling people is that I haven't wanted all the questions. Talking about it bothers me because I don't like thinking about it. Even when my parents bring it up, I find myself diverting the conversation. Really, as nervous as I am, I am also excited about the procedure because I want this to be over. I want to feel confident that everything is okay and the problem is fixed (95% chance the problem can be fixed during the ablation procedure). Also, how do you bring up, "Oh hey, by the way, I'm having some heart problems."? Not your typical small talk that's brought up during casual conversation. So, I am saying it now - and yes, I know, I'm doing it on a blog. There's too many people and I can't make a million phone calls. Another reason I haven't brought it up is because I don't like attention - I never have. If I did, wouldn't I be the loud obnoxious person in the center of the room, rather than the quiet person in the corner of the room? Bringing attention to myself is not anything I even know how to do. I haven't wanted to worry anyone or make a big deal out of it. Rather, I wanted to get the facts and see what was really going on. Still, I won't know exactly until Thursday, but by then it should hopefully be dealt with. I also wouldn't want anyone to find out after the fact and again, be hurt that they weren't told this information. I have no desire to make anyone feel like they're not important enough to know what's going on in my life - because that's not the case. Mostly it has to do with my quirky and insecure personality that I addressed earlier. I'm not sure how this information will be processed, but I do hope that it gives people a little more insight into me and what's been going on lately. Around Christmas I was not in the best of spirits. I was so scared about what was going on, that I really isolated myself a lot because I didn't know how to deal with it. So, if I've acted weird, that's probably why. Lastly, I know if someone I knew was going through a similar thing, I would want to be there for them. The last thing I want to do is be prideful and say I don't need anyone - because that is far from the truth. Keeping to yourself is never a healthy thing, because things just build and build, plus God designed us for relationships. I know I don't want to be too good to ask for help, and prayers, and to be vulnerable. So that's my story. Feel free to ask any questions, but I pretty much gave all the information I know as far as what's happening. The procedure is Thursday at 11:00 a.m. Knowing me, I'll be blogging when it's done with an update. That's a whole other story - my addiction to blogging - maybe I'll address that one later!