A blog that covers too many things to determine an appropriate title...

Where to begin? I have so many thoughts spinning through my brain right now, I’m not sure my fingers can keep up. So here goes...

It has been said. My 2 and 4 year old have both said it. “Stop being mean.” Mean - let’s define this. Mean to Silas is me telling him “no”. Eli mostly picks up on what Silas says, so I’d like to think he uses it out of context, but when says it, it really doesn't seem that way. My good friend Webster defines mean as, “offensive, selfish, or unaccommodating; nasty; malicious, small-minded or ignoble, etc.” I hardly think thats a good representation of me for saying “no”, but apparently my kids think differently.

Silas has really gotten in the habit of saying that I am “mean” or “making him upset” when he doesn’t get his way about something. It’s pretty ridiculous when on the inside I find myself arguing with my 4 year old thinking, “Mean? Really? You have no clue what mean is, because I am NOT mean.” Okay, really - what good would this do me? Rather, I choose to tell him that we do not call people mean and he doesn’t get everything he wants, exactly when he wants it - or not at all. Maybe I could give him a list of reasons why I’m not mean, but again - I will not stoop to discussing it. And then there’s Eli who’s been telling me, “Stop it. Don’t do that, momma. Stop it. Stop being mean.” [Breathe. Breathe deeply.] I know, I know - there are worse things that could happen. Maybe I shouldn’t be so sensitive. Being a parent is the most sacrificial thing I have ever done. You give of your time, yourself, your sleep, your money, your everything - so you can give your kids all the love you have in your heart and the best life you can provide. Sometimes it’s draining. At 2 a.m. in the morning when I’ve already been woken up by both kids, I’d love to roll over and pretend Silas isn’t standing next to my bed, or that Eli is crying in the other room. But, that’s not an option. However, as exhausting as it can be - physically and sometimes even emotionally, it is worth every millisecond. I wouldn’t trade it for any other job in the world. So with all that in mind, when my precious little bundles of joy look up at me and call me “mean”, I’m not gonna lie - it kind of cuts right at the heart. Now let’s be honest again, I’m quite confident I did the same thing. To my mom and dad, I am so sorry if I ever called you mean! It’s not true! I didn’t know what I was saying. Please forgive me. I’ve heard that as a parent, you get back all the things you did as a child. I’ve also heard that the reward from parenting comes in getting to be a grandparent! I know there are worse things to come - maybe one day it’ll be, “I hate you.” Maybe being mean won’t seem so bad then. The good news is, I know they really do love me and equally do not understand what they’re really saying. As much as I’d rather not hear it, I’ll have to remind myself of that next time it is said.

On the same note, I was talking with my mom the other night - or rather, texting - about this very thing. It had been a long day and I was discouraged. She reminded me isn’t that exactly what we do with God? He has literally given us everything - his Son - and we so often turn out backs on Him, or only come to Him when we need something or want something from Him. I know this isn’t always the case, but we can get in modes where life is easy, things are great and we don’t stop to thank God for our many blessings and worship and give Him the praise He deserves. I just glanced over at an art project Silas made that’s hanging next to my computer. It’s a heart that he stamped and glued stuff on and under the heart it says, “Love God with ALL your heart.” Do we really do this? Do we live this out, loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength? Parenting has been such an amazing example to me, thought it’s just a small glimpse, of what God’s love for us really looks like. For me, being a mom, is the closest understanding to what unconditional love truly is. It’s so easy to love my kids no matter what. It gives me a better understanding of God as my Father. And likewise, seeing their ingratitude and selfishness at times reminds me of how I can be towards God. I’m not always grateful - I’m not always putting Him as the top priority in my life. Life is all one big lesson. I hope that I can continually evaluate my life and take from it whatever God is showing me - or go wherever God is directing me. I don’t always do a great job. Often I’m stubborn. Often I don’t understand. But that’s where the trust must come in. Is God really the God of my life, or do I go to Him when it’s convenient?

On another topic, I’d like to share some thoughts about blogging. It’s funny how everyone has their own opinions. Obviously, if I’m publishing my thoughts for all to see, I’m leaving myself open to comments - whether that be positive, or negative. I have heard both. A couple years ago a girl that I went to Moody with was in a tragic accident and died. She lived in the room next door to me for a year and then was across the hall. Even so, I didn’t really know her or much about her. After she died, I came across her blog. I sat there one night for hours and read the entire thing. I laughed and I cried. I also thought it was priceless. She was gone, but there were her stories, her thoughts and her experiences written out that her family could go back and read. I was inspired. I also have always loved to write, and found I loved to document what my kids were doing and saying. I thought it was such a cool idea. Also, I can share what’s on my heart. I know my thoughts and ideas will not line up with everyone. But that’s okay, because they don’t have to. On the occasions I’ve gotten negative comments towards my blog or blogging in general, I cannot say I haven’t felt a bit judged. I am by nature a sensitive person. This is something I really have to guard myself against. More recently, through the chaos that has been my life in recent months, I have come to more deeply understand that I can’t let people affect me so much. I do have to be open to criticism, but at the same time - if I am doing what I feel is best and what God would have me to do, then I have to have a peace about it. I can’t spend my time worrying about what other people think. And if deep down I know I’m not, then sure - I should be open to other’s thoughts. I hope this doesn’t sound like a big defense - I know I’m not standing in a court room. Rather, I hope that it’s an insight to me and what’s on my heart. I love being able to express what’s going on and maybe even be an encouragement to others in some small way. This, to me, isn’t some outlet where I can vent all my frustrations and force my opinions on others. It’s really just stories, struggles, fun times, and insights from my life. Take it or leave it, it’s me.

On a lighter note, of course I have to share some photos and stories from the past few days. Let me just say, I am so proud of Silas. He given everything he’s got towards his ice skating. We have been trying to get that boy on the ice since he was 2. I used to be a hockey fanatic. If I had the time to follow every single game - if I could actually get the Stars games locally, I would watch as much as I could. But realistically, I can’t devote that kind of time towards watching games like I could in high school or college. I still love the sport though! Anyway, it wasn’t anything we wanted to push onto Silas, but really wanted him to give it a shot. If he would have hated it, we wouldn’t have forced him to do it. But, like I said, he found his skates in his closet a few weeks ago and began begging us to go. We took him and he loved it. At that point, we asked him if he wanted to go to “Skating School”, a.k.a. lessons, and he did. He has been so determined! Every time he falls, he gets back up. He hasn’t been discouraged once. All we've heard is, "I've got to get better." Last night, we went to the rink early so he could free skate before lessons. He skated half the rink completely on his own at least 3 times. He is doing so well! He’ll be a pro before I know it.

Afterwards we went to a resale shop and got him a hockey helmet. Of course, Eli was sold the second he tried one on. I felt bad because I don’t want him to feel left out - so we caved and bought him one too. It was second hand, so it wasn’t super expensive. He’s been begging to skate too, so as soon as Silas is completely on his own two feet, I think we’ll let him give it a shot too. Afterall, he has to sit there with me and watch while Silas gets to have fun skating. And if there’s one thing about Eli, it’s that he’s fearless. He’ll be totally fine out there. Silas, at two, was a no go. Eli - there’s no telling what that boy will do! Crazy kid!

The last thing I must do is introduce you to Carly. While in Target the other day, we hit up the Dollar Spot. Love it! Silas and Eli both got a snake. Eli is obsessed with drawing snakes and apparently it's Silas' favorite animal. This is all new to me. Si immediately determined his snake was a girl and named her Carly. I also have no idea where this name came from. He informed me that some snakes are nice and some are mean. However, Carly is a garden snake and she is nice. When we got home, Carly apparently was hungry and thirsty and he wanted to feed her. We had to find a video about what snakes eat, so he knew just what to feed her. He got a box for her to rest in, but insisted it was only for resting and she would sleep in his bed with him. "She's so nice, momma!", is all he kept saying. Eli named his snake, Snake. Silas later renamed him Rain. So, Carly and Rain are now our new "pets" even though Dusty utterly hates snakes. Oh, and if you were wondering, Toothless is afraid of Carly, but Carly is Toothless' friend. Glad we're all one big happy family.

Silas in his helmet.

And then there's E...

Meet Carly

Here's Carly resting.

Here’s a short video of Silas praying. So sweet!