Laughter and Leaps of Faith

Silas has a new obsession with laughing. Tonight we were in the car and Silas laughed the entire 20 minute ride home. And by laughing, I mean hysterical, belly laughing. I asked him what he was laughing at and he told me, "momma, laughing is so funny! Can I laugh at the cars?"

Me - "Yes, Silas, you can laugh at the cars."

Silas - "Can I laugh at the buildings and houses?"

Me - "Yes, Silas, you can."

Silas - "Can I laugh at you, momma?"

Me - "Yes Silas."

Silas - "aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...."

At some point I'll have to get a recording of his new, silly laugh. I seriously never know what's gonna come out of his mouth!

I just thought that was funny, but not what I was going to write about. Today, I had my first paying photo shoot. Ever since I had Silas and got a nice camera, I have enjoyed taking pictures. It really began with simply wanting to capture every single second of his life on film. Poor child probably feels like I'm the paparazzi. At first I only took the pictures and made Dusty edit them. Eventually I made myself more comfortable with Aperture and decided to sit down and really learn it. As with most things, I was very insecure in the beginning. I wasn't quite sure what to do or if I was doing it right. I'd make Dusty look at every single picture to make sure it looked "good". I'm not sure when the switch flipped, but at some point I developed an obsession with taking pictures. A good friend of mine had a baby about 8 months ago and when I went up to the hospital to see her, I brought my camera. She fell in love with the photos I took and asked if I could take pictures for her once a month. I said, "sure" and before I knew it I had other people asking me to take pictures for them as well. It's so hard for me to really even talk about because I haven't quite built up my confidence yet. I don't consider myself a "photographer", but think of it as more of a hobby. I'd like to think I'm good, and I get lots of compliments - but still it's hard for me to take that next leap of faith. Am I skilled enough to be paid to do it? There must be some validity to what I'm doing, because it seems lately I have had so many people requesting that I take family photos for them. I willingly agree, because it's become something I really enjoy doing - plus, I love that I can help people out. The only reason the whole question of being paid has come up is I have had enough requests that I cannot keep up with it. I feel like I can't pick and choose who to say "yes" or "no" to, and I can't take all this time out of my schedule to do this out of the goodness of my heart. I think that would become frustrating to my family.

All I keep telling myself is I am learning. I truly hope that one day I can look back at what I'm doing and be proud of it. I know there are many things I still need to work on and I hope to continue to grow, challenge myself, and be confident enough to try new things. I am excited to see what happens. If I can push through my insecurities, I think it could turn out to be a good thing. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is as insecure as I am? It's hard to take a leap of faith and believe that I am good enough to pursue this. I tend to be like that in many areas. For instance, I love to cook. I cook for Dusty pretty much every night and I wouldn't say I'm a chef, but I haven't had too many complaints. Anyhow, I can cook for Dusty any night of the week, but the thought of having company and letting someone else eat my food stresses me out! Maybe I have a problem with the need to be perfect. I mean, let me just say it - I am a perfectionist. I am incredibly hard on myself and knit pick every little detail of things. I am also competitive. This would surprise some people, because I am pretty quiet and reserved. But deep down, I like to win. All that to say, this puts me in a tough situation when I want to feel good about something I do. I see every little flaw and compare myself to other people. Then I convince myself that I'm not good enough.

So, what it comes down to is this - I have to believe in myself. I cannot let other people or most importantly myself, get in the way of pursuing something I love to do.

At the end of the day, I need to learn to laugh, just like Silas. Life is too short to spend it attaining perfection to the degree that I never do anything. Sometimes I need to step out with confidence and try something new. And it's okay to laugh at myself even. I pray that I can learn to enjoy the simplicity of life and learn to follow God's lead. I never in a million years would have dreamt this up, but who knows where I'll be years down the road. What a joy it is to have such a sweet little boy, that can show me such a profound truth. Sometimes we need to take the lead of little children and see life for the simplicity that it can be. We make it way to complicated - I know I sure do.