a surprising addiction
I cannot help but laugh at myself. Have you ever eaten something so incredibly addicting that you literally cannot put it down. There are many things I love to eat. Dusty sometimes gets irritated at me when I'm talking about food to people, because he thinks I can over exaggerate. I will be telling someone about a particular food and always use the phrase, "its the BEST thing, EVER". And so yeah, he thinks I get their expectations too high. I just can't help it, certain foods get me excited - like Chicago pizza, or the cupcakes that Brenda made for Brady's birthday party (if you are reading this, please make me some), or the pad-see-ewe at Panang in Chicago, or... I really could go on and on. Some people wouldn't think it to look at me, but I LOVE food. And I seriously think about what I want to eat everyday - every meal is thought out. If I know I'm gonna have a big dinner or am anticipating something really delicious that I'll be having, I carefully calculate what and when I eat for the rest of the day so I make sure I am *starving* and can enjoy whatever it is. So, what started this whole ranting is I was just in the kitchen eating trail mix. Yes, trail mix. Dusty loves it and quite frequently asks me to buy it. Sometimes I make my own, but get a little too excited at the store and spend way too much money. By the time I'm done I have enough trail mix for a month! Anyhow, so we found this trail mix at target for $5.79 that comes in a little tub - this is a little tub of pure satisfaction, mind you! Well, I actually bought it for Dusty because I'm leaving in the morning to go to Texas. So when I brought it home I sat it on the counter and stared at it for a few minutes, debating on whether to open it. I told myself "no" several times. Then, I just couldn't help it - I had to open it to just try a little, as if i don't know what it tastes like. So I open the jar, peel off the foil and grab a handful. I proceed to close the lid, enjoy my little taste of goodness and then find myself unscrewing the lid again. So this is what's so funny. With anything else it seems that I can tell myself to stop. I really don't know what it is about this trail mix, but I CANNOT force myself to stay away from that jar. I will be unscrewing it telling myself, "no!" I will have some, tell myself its the last bite, while grabbing another handful. I will literally walk away...and walk back. HELP! It is SO yummy. So yeah, I was just laughing at myself, to myself, in the kitchen as I went through this conversation in my head about not having anymore. Who would have thought trail mix would be my downfall?
Well, as I said I'm leaving in the morning for Texas. It's always bittersweet because its hard leaving Dusty (and it's hard taking the kids away because he misses them so much) but I LOVE that my parents and Jay and Rebekah get to spend time with the boys. When I met Dusty there was no denying the fact that he loved San Diego and wanted to move back here if possible. And I love it here as well, and had actually been away from my family (in Chicago) for several years prior to moving to SD. But I never comprehended how hard it would be for my parents to not be around my kids on a day to day basis. Of course I always miss them, but when I see them say goodbye to Silas and Eli, it makes me cry every time. And the last couple of times, Silas has cried when they walked away! We've been lucky in that they have gotten to see a lot of the boys, between them coming out here and me going to Texas. Of course, this is such a blessing and I am so grateful that it has worked out this way. But them missing out on the day to day stuff is hard - not just for them, but for me. I want them to have a close relationship and know my family like they know everyone here. I don't think anyone really knows how bad it hurts.
The funny thing is, everyday I just go about my day. I do my normal things and live my life. When I see my family, it almost makes it worse because I realize (or have to think about) what I'm missing out on. Everytime I drop my parents off at the airport, I drive home with tears in my eyes and always want to talk to someone, but never know who. Most of the time I call Nichole and she says, "did you just drop them off?" - because she has to do it too! And there's nothing really to say, except "yeah"...and she understands. I hate it!
But, tomorrow is a good day and I'm excited. Silas has been telling me all day, "mama, go up on big pane morrow. Go see mamaw and papaw. Go to mamaw's house". So cute and sweet! I love that he understands and gets excited about it now.
So at that, Eli is crying and needs to be fed. I should probably get to bed since I have to get up at 3:45 a.m. So this is it!
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