Be still
So this morning I really had to ask myself some questions. To begin, Dusty was going on some walk with the Christian High staff. So he offered to take both of the boys with him. When he mentioned this, I sort of laughed inside...like, yeah right! Don't get me wrong, Dusty takes Silas places all the time and is wonderful with him, but the thought of him with both of them was funny to me. I'm not sure he's really had both of them for longer than about 20 minutes alone, other than maybe driving them in the car somewhere. Obviously he is perfectly capable, but what it made me wonder is why did I question it. Like...I can do it, but he can't?? Maybe its a mom thing. I still find it hard to leave Eli, since he's still just a little baby. And Silas...well, if he's out with Mark and Brenda or Dusty I do find myself missing him after a short time. I just love that little guy - he brings light to the room with his funny little personality, all the random things he says and his cute little face! There's a side to Silas that most people don't see. He is a little ham and loves it when Dusty and I think he does something funny, so he constantly tries to be funny. He's really a little jokester and just so sweet. Anyhow, I guess I'm so wrapped up in being a mom that its weird when they're not around....because they always are! So sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do with myself when they aren't here.
But that's not my point. What I was getting at is why is it so hard for me to let someone help me? Dusty really just wanted me to have a little break and I had to force myself to let him take Eli, because I told him to just take Si...then finally relented and packed up Eli's stuff. Do I really think he needs me? Do I just want to be needed? I mean, really...to be honest, it does make you feel good thinking someone needs you. That seems a little self-consumed to me. Ha ha, or maybe a lot.
And then to the next thing that triggered my thoughts. As soon as Dusty left, I couldn't sit still. It's almost like I didn't know what to do with myself. I began cleaning like crazy and all I could think of was all the things that needed to be done - the laundry, making the beds, vacuuming the floor, etc. Then right as I'm in the middle of vacuuming the verse that popped in my head was, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted in the nations, I will be exalted in the earth". Reality check. I mean, honestly...do all these things really matter?? Does the house have to be spotless all the time, do I have to work out every single morning (my plan was to work out after cleaning), do I always have to look *perfect* before I walk out the door. I spend so much time worrying about getting everything done, just right. I cannot waste a second, because there's always something to be done. I don't have to be perfect, or rather...have the appearance of being perfect. It's okay for people to know that I do make mistakes and don't have it all together. It's funny because I absolutely know that I'm messed up - we all are - but I find it hard owning up to my mistakes. I don't want to fail people, I don't want to forget something or not finish my work. But guess what - it's okay!
I have so many thoughts going in my head right now that I feel I'm going off on a tangent. I guess my big thought for the day is...relax! Focus on the things that really matter. I need to stop focusing on all the silly things that so easily consume my day and reflect on the things of God. I keep telling myself to get over myself! I mean that in so many ways. I am nothing without Christ...nothing. And if I choose, I can waste all my energy on things that have no eternal value or I can simply do what He has called me to do right now and be still...and listen to His voice.
1 Comments
Oh My Gosh Melissa, this is me to a Tee! Except my house isn't spotless all the time- well the main part of the home is, just not our quarters. And I have finally been able to stop looking perfect before I go out- guess what, sometime I go out without makeup now. Rare but it happens. Weird huh? LOL
ReplyDeleteAnyway- I love this post and I think about these things all the time. And I wish my husband would take BOTH of the kids somewhere!! We usually split em or one of us stays home with them and then I feel bad because they end up being cooped up!
I miss you and love you guys! even though Ive never met the babies!