parenthood - no, not just the tv show.
Parenthood {the tv show} is a recent discovery of mine. You better believe I put myself in a tv coma watching the entire 4 seasons that were available on Netflix in an embarrassing amount of time. {oh, come on. you know most of you can say you’ve done the exact same thing.. got sucked into a show and just. couldn’t. stop.}
Parenthood {the daily ins and outs of actual parenting} is probably the most challenging and yet most rewarding job I will ever have. Such a responsibility. When I really stop and think about the task, it can be quite overwhelming. Of course, it is joyous and fun and {insert any positive adjective you can think of here}. But the thought that I am responsible for molding three tiny persons into respectful, well-rounded, confident, loving, godly persons is like I said - quite the task. I mentioned to Dusty this morning that I often feel like all I am doing is constantly correcting and attempting to teach good behavior {basically, being the "bad" guy}. Consistency is HARD WORK. No doubt, we have so many moments that are sweet, endearing and FUN -- and boy, do I cherish these. I soak them in. It's just that it's easy for me to let the day to day, sometimes tough stuff, overwhelm me.
Some of the harder parts of parenting come from my own personal struggles, insecurites and flaws. I am not by nature a confident person. It is easy to doubt my own abilities and when my kids start getting bigger and begin questioning me and pointing these things out well, it’s convicting, to say the least. It’s SO easy to beat myself up when I lose it or feel like I screwed something up.
I am learning though. Of course, my job is to parent them. But my job is not to always be right, to rule over them and have all the power just because I am bigger. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes I am in a bad mood, have had a bad day and just don’t want to deal. Sometimes I lose it. I’m learning to admit these things, apologize and ask for forgiveness {just like I am trying to teach them with one another} {I must model the example}. No one wants to be ruled over with an iron fist and be treated unjustly just because they’re smaller or have less authority. Even little children deserve respect. I guess that’s part of the balance - learning to teach, to mold, to grow up a child in the way he/she should go in a loving and God honoring way, without the idea that being a parent is simply being an overruling and powerful authority. My kids have been entrusted to me and I don’t take that lightly.
The bigger my kids get, the more challenging this parenting thing can be. It’s not all about dirty diapers, hungry tummies and Mickey Mouse anymore. It’s surrounded with questions, feelings and real life issues. They’re no different than you and me, they just have less responsibility. Lately I’ve been reminding myself how “big” I felt at Silas’ age. You never really feel any different - because you’re the same person, just smaller. He is already the core of who he is going to be and I can either encourage that and help him grow to be the best Silas that he can be, or I can crush that and try to change him into something else. I choose the former.
Where am I going with all this? Basically, in a nut shell -- I need help! For whatever reason, I kind of had a meltdown this morning {maybe not kind of, I did}. One thing lead to another, the task seemed daunting, and I have no idea how I had gotten myself {my mind} to that place. Fear after fear began to arise and nothing in my head was making sense. Anytime I look to my own strengths, I miserably fail. I must stay focused. I must stay on the task at hand.
God, I pray that I will rely on you for this huge task {of parenthood}. Help me to keep my eyes fixated on you in not only the good times, but in the bad as well, as you are in it all. I need Your guidance in every moment of every day. This is one giant roller coaster ride. Help me to embrace it, to enjoy the thrills and overcome the fears {because I have a TON}. I trust in You to be my guide.
And as always, a few photos. I cannot create a blog post without posting some photos of these sweet boys.
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| post dinner face. |
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| Captain America lives at our house. |
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| My Eli bug. |
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| to me, this is perfection. I love watching my kids sleep - not because they're not making a mess or lots of noise, but because they just look so angelic and peaceful. |
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| at 10.5 months, two little chompers are finally about to pop through. |
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| watching his brothers ice skate. |
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| This kid loves ice skating. Both boys completed their latest class and are ready to move up to the next level. For Silas, that is hockey skating. He has been working and working to lead up to that class. Proud of him. |
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