"Of All the Charlie Browns in the World, You're the Charlie Browniest!"
I'm not gonna lie, today, I feel like Charlie Brown. Don't we all have those days? Here's a few quotes from our good buddy Charlie:
"I've developed a new philosophy . . . I only dread one day at a time."
"There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters . . . I could be their leader."
And this may be the funniest...
"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this." - Charlie Brown
Okay, now obviously these are clearly exaggerated examples of where I'm coming from. I was driving home, feeling sad, really - and Charlie Brown happened to come to my mind. Probably because I was just reading the boys a Charlie Brown book the other night and of course we've been watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" lately.
The last quote struck me the most, because so much of our attitude and perspective is choice. Charlie was in essence saying, "I know I'll feel better if I stand up straight. But, I like being depressed, so I'll continue to slump over." Even when we know the Truth, sometimes maybe it feels good to be sad. Sometimes it feels good to dream. Sometimes if feels good to ask, "what if". Now, the question is - Is this healthy? I guess you could look at it one of two ways. Maybe perhaps we have these thoughts or notions because God is leading us in a different direction and it's a positive. Or, perhaps it is just an escape from reality and beneficial for nothing. I don't know. Just food for thought. I'm really just thinking out loud here..
Today is one of those days where I would love to just be alone, at least for a little while. But one thing about being a mom to young kids is that time alone can be a rarity. I literally feel brain dead today and it would be so nice for a little bit of quiet to be able to just think straight. Rather I hear the constant request of, "Mommy. Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy?" pretty much all day, even as I type now. And Silas is asking me a bazillion questions - no, literally. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with every ounce of love I have in my heart, but solitude is great occasionally. Actually, it's necessary.
I have so many thoughts, so many questions, so many "what if's?" Sometimes I feel like it's wrong to admit areas in which I struggle. But am I just saying the things everyone really thinks, but doesn't want to say out loud? After all, who wants to be judged? I'm not saying all the ways in which I feel are right, I'm just being honest.
I do have a cute story though, sort of on the subject. On Sunday afternoon, Eli was taking a nap after church and I thought I would attempt to take advantage of the opportunity and rest with him. I rarely get naps. I literally had just fallen asleep and Silas walked in the bedroom. I was desperately tired. I mentioned yesterday, the past several nights have been almost sleep-less. I heard him, but kept my eyes closed, hoping he would get the hint and go back in the other room. He crawled up on the bed, causing me to wake up even further. I didn't want to open my eyes or say anything, as I was still in that foggy sort of sleep where I could have easily fallen back asleep quickly. He was crawling all over the bed, tossing and turning so as to literally shake the bed and after a few minutes of this, I was awake. It was done. Just as I wanted to say, "Please, Silas. LEAVE!!" I heard him whisper to himself, still thinking I was asleep, "I just love you so much." Then, he walked out of the room. Seriously. As tired as I was, my heart felt full. And, I'm so glad I didn't yell at him - I would have felt awful! But, even in the midst of being utterly exhausted - almost to the point where I wanted to cry like a baby - it was a moment of complete love and sincerity from the lips of my little boy, just telling me he loved me.
And perhaps, even in the midst of my bad day today, God is whispering to me the very same thing, "I just love you so much." The choice really comes down to - do I want to stand up straight or do I want to continue slumping over?...
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