the story of Eva Louise, {part one} and thoughts on the new year.
an·tic·i·pa·tion
-the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation
A couple of months later, I became suspicious that something was up and bought a pregnancy test. On Mother's Day, I was very surprised to find out that I was, in fact, pregnant with our precious Eva Louise. After only ten sweet days, it's already hard to imagine a world without her in it. Time has flown and yet time has stood still. I don't understand this thing we call time. In many ways, the past week has seemed like a blur - so many moments, so many emotions, so much crazy. And in other ways, it seems like this is how life has always been, or at least the way it was meant to be.
So, pregnancy.
{Warning, this may sound like one giant gripe fest, but again, it's so relevant to the now...but more importantly what I learned from 2016 and what I want to take into 2017.}
Pregnancy is another thing I have not spoken much about. This was hands down the most difficult pregnancy I have had. I was nauseous from day one - not something I dealt with with any of the boys. I'm not sure anything tasted good or sounded good for the last eight months, period. Eating was a chore. With my three previous pregnancies I have had cholestasis of pregnancy, which developed earlier and earlier each time. It is more commonly diagnosed in the late third trimester, but by my fourth pregnancy it showed up in my first trimester. I did not expect this and to be honest, was terrified. But, I had to at least try to keep a strong front. Long story short, it has to do with your bile acids building up in your blood stream, as the flow of bile from the liver stops or slows. The risk to the baby is stillbirth, which is why all of my babies have been induced early, with Eva being the earliest. Scary stuff. So on top of normal prenatal care, I had appointment after appointment, constant blood work, additional ultrasounds, bi-weekly fetal monitoring after 32 weeks, steroid shots for the lungs at 34 weeks, and an early induction. I have also had hypothyroidism since college, which is normally easily maintained. Pregnancy can throw it all out of whack, due to needing a higher dosage. Figuring out that dosage can sometimes seems like guess work or trial and error. In the meantime while waiting for a new dosage to kick in, my heart rate goes bananas, the fatigue is unexplainable, and let's just say there were many mornings I cried while getting ready wondering what on earth I had done. Top all that off with the normal pregnancy symptoms: fatigue, heart burn, not being able to breathe, all the aches and pains, the list goes on... and I was just a mess. I think anyone and everyone really close to me can agree that this was the longest pregnancy ever and this baby couldn't get out any sooner. Except of course, that wasn't an option - she needed to stay put as long as possible. So, I just trucked along. I did what was necessary and very little else. I feel like I kinda dropped off the face of the planet.
All that to say, if ever there was a time that I was counting down, this was the year. I honestly had so many moments of panic, of restlessness, of fear, that some days all I could do was pray to just get through the day. I am naturally a driven person. I like to work. I like to be productive. I get up at 3:45 a.m. to work out and start the day. This is how I thrive. I felt like my body was rebelling against me and I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. Even the last few days I know my parents and Dusty probably thought I was crazy because I just needed it to be over. It's only two more days. You can make it through two more days. I wanted to cry.
And finally, that day came. The day I had been waiting for for 252 days. The day I had eagerly anticipated. The day that all the struggles, the fear, and the pain would all be worth it...
The day of Eva Louise's birth.
{to be continued...}
-the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation
If ever there was a year that this word hit so close to home, it would be this year. 2016 was a year of looking forward, of waiting. And, I'm positive I did not do that well. When you are waiting on something often times it's difficult to focus on the now, but rather, thinking on the future. Somehow pregnancy seems to make time stand still. I wish I could say that I have continually lived in the presence of God's peace throughout this past year. Rather, it's been one more present with anxiousness and fear. I really haven't spoken of what lead our family to where we are now partly because it has felt so personal. But, it leads full circle to where I find myself now. You see, this time last year I thought that I was pregnant. It turns out that I wasn't but it definitely brought up the question of "is our family complete, or is it not"? Dusty and I decided to take some time to pray separately and then talk about it after a time. When we came back together, we decided that we would just see what happened for one month and that would be our answer either way. I did get pregnant, only to miscarry very early on. Well - that wasn't the answer I was expecting or wanting and it kinda just made the situation more confusing. But nonetheless, that's where I found myself - hurt, feeling isolated, and questioning. In the midst of that, we decided that that was our answer and we would move forward as our family of five.
A couple of months later, I became suspicious that something was up and bought a pregnancy test. On Mother's Day, I was very surprised to find out that I was, in fact, pregnant with our precious Eva Louise. After only ten sweet days, it's already hard to imagine a world without her in it. Time has flown and yet time has stood still. I don't understand this thing we call time. In many ways, the past week has seemed like a blur - so many moments, so many emotions, so much crazy. And in other ways, it seems like this is how life has always been, or at least the way it was meant to be.
{Warning, this may sound like one giant gripe fest, but again, it's so relevant to the now...but more importantly what I learned from 2016 and what I want to take into 2017.}
Pregnancy is another thing I have not spoken much about. This was hands down the most difficult pregnancy I have had. I was nauseous from day one - not something I dealt with with any of the boys. I'm not sure anything tasted good or sounded good for the last eight months, period. Eating was a chore. With my three previous pregnancies I have had cholestasis of pregnancy, which developed earlier and earlier each time. It is more commonly diagnosed in the late third trimester, but by my fourth pregnancy it showed up in my first trimester. I did not expect this and to be honest, was terrified. But, I had to at least try to keep a strong front. Long story short, it has to do with your bile acids building up in your blood stream, as the flow of bile from the liver stops or slows. The risk to the baby is stillbirth, which is why all of my babies have been induced early, with Eva being the earliest. Scary stuff. So on top of normal prenatal care, I had appointment after appointment, constant blood work, additional ultrasounds, bi-weekly fetal monitoring after 32 weeks, steroid shots for the lungs at 34 weeks, and an early induction. I have also had hypothyroidism since college, which is normally easily maintained. Pregnancy can throw it all out of whack, due to needing a higher dosage. Figuring out that dosage can sometimes seems like guess work or trial and error. In the meantime while waiting for a new dosage to kick in, my heart rate goes bananas, the fatigue is unexplainable, and let's just say there were many mornings I cried while getting ready wondering what on earth I had done. Top all that off with the normal pregnancy symptoms: fatigue, heart burn, not being able to breathe, all the aches and pains, the list goes on... and I was just a mess. I think anyone and everyone really close to me can agree that this was the longest pregnancy ever and this baby couldn't get out any sooner. Except of course, that wasn't an option - she needed to stay put as long as possible. So, I just trucked along. I did what was necessary and very little else. I feel like I kinda dropped off the face of the planet.
All that to say, if ever there was a time that I was counting down, this was the year. I honestly had so many moments of panic, of restlessness, of fear, that some days all I could do was pray to just get through the day. I am naturally a driven person. I like to work. I like to be productive. I get up at 3:45 a.m. to work out and start the day. This is how I thrive. I felt like my body was rebelling against me and I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. Even the last few days I know my parents and Dusty probably thought I was crazy because I just needed it to be over. It's only two more days. You can make it through two more days. I wanted to cry.
And finally, that day came. The day I had been waiting for for 252 days. The day I had eagerly anticipated. The day that all the struggles, the fear, and the pain would all be worth it...
The day of Eva Louise's birth.
{to be continued...}
In reflecting on last year and thinking forward to this year, I realize my biggest struggle has been fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the what if's, fear of completely surrendering. I have several friends that rather than choosing a "new year's resolution", they pick a word for the year. A word that represents something they want to learn or surrender to God. A theme for the year, if you will. After lots of reflecting, I chose fearless. What would it mean to surrender my fears to God and truly let Him carry them? Carry me? To be honest, even that words scares me! But how freeing would it be to completely trust... to live in the following truth: "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
John 14:27
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