the story of Eva Louise, {part four}
{continued}{see parts one, two, and three}
part one
part two
part three
11:36 a.m. - And there she was... the most beautiful, tiniest baby girl I had ever seen. She was five pounds, nine ounces and nineteen inches of pure perfection.
If ever there was a moment I could live over and over again {I have four of them}, it would be this. It's the pinnacle of everything. There's no way to describe the moment you meet your baby. This baby that has grown inside of you for months, that you have been one with... that you have felt every movement, every hiccup, that was known by God and perfectly formed inside you... is finally here. To put a face to that sweet, tiny babe that you have carried... to fall in love instantaneously. Priceless. I assure you, there is no adequate word. It' one of those moments that you live over and over in your head. It's euphoric.
Eva was immediately placed on my stomach. She had a short cord, so I had to wait a few moments before I could really see her. I remember thinking, she is so TINY. The nurse joked with Dusty that it was a boy. I was too out of it to really register this, but I remembered later when Dusty was telling someone about it. Dusty was telling me, "She is here! She is so beautiful... say hello! You did it, babe!" It really is difficult to explain how you feel in that moment. Joy. Unconditional love. Relief. Yet also pain... those post birth contractions are no joke either. I'm convinced they worsen with each labor, but it's bearable, because of that tiny bundle in your arms.
As soon as I was cleaned up and the room calmed down a bit, Dusty went to get the boys from the waiting room. Even though, of course, I was dying for everyone else to see her too, it was special to have that first moment just the six of us. The boys were in awe. Pure wonder and amazement. It was love at first sight for all three of them. Watching the video of them on the way to the room made me smile when I watched it days later. Silas and Jeremiah were basically running to the room, jumping for joy and giddy as all get out. My sweet E is definitely my introvert, but we get each other. He was equally excited, but he tends to keep a little more to himself and take everything in. They couldn't wait to hold her and were begging the second they saw her. Soon enough, all the grandparents came to meet sweet Eva Louise. I think everyone was immediately smitten.
And then, a couple doctors came in the room and said, "We are ready for your tubal ligation now."
part one
part two
part three
11:36 a.m. - And there she was... the most beautiful, tiniest baby girl I had ever seen. She was five pounds, nine ounces and nineteen inches of pure perfection.
If ever there was a moment I could live over and over again {I have four of them}, it would be this. It's the pinnacle of everything. There's no way to describe the moment you meet your baby. This baby that has grown inside of you for months, that you have been one with... that you have felt every movement, every hiccup, that was known by God and perfectly formed inside you... is finally here. To put a face to that sweet, tiny babe that you have carried... to fall in love instantaneously. Priceless. I assure you, there is no adequate word. It' one of those moments that you live over and over in your head. It's euphoric.
Eva was immediately placed on my stomach. She had a short cord, so I had to wait a few moments before I could really see her. I remember thinking, she is so TINY. The nurse joked with Dusty that it was a boy. I was too out of it to really register this, but I remembered later when Dusty was telling someone about it. Dusty was telling me, "She is here! She is so beautiful... say hello! You did it, babe!" It really is difficult to explain how you feel in that moment. Joy. Unconditional love. Relief. Yet also pain... those post birth contractions are no joke either. I'm convinced they worsen with each labor, but it's bearable, because of that tiny bundle in your arms.
As soon as I was cleaned up and the room calmed down a bit, Dusty went to get the boys from the waiting room. Even though, of course, I was dying for everyone else to see her too, it was special to have that first moment just the six of us. The boys were in awe. Pure wonder and amazement. It was love at first sight for all three of them. Watching the video of them on the way to the room made me smile when I watched it days later. Silas and Jeremiah were basically running to the room, jumping for joy and giddy as all get out. My sweet E is definitely my introvert, but we get each other. He was equally excited, but he tends to keep a little more to himself and take everything in. They couldn't wait to hold her and were begging the second they saw her. Soon enough, all the grandparents came to meet sweet Eva Louise. I think everyone was immediately smitten.
And then, a couple doctors came in the room and said, "We are ready for your tubal ligation now."
Alright, so I was not ready for this. Bear with me for a moment. About a month or so before delivery, my doctor had asked me if I wanted this procedure done. "I'm really not sure if I am ready to do that." Now, I do not want any more kids. I shouldn't have anymore with all my health issues that arise with pregnancy, and I could not in my right mind go through that again. However, I have no issues with being on birth control and the finality of this just overwhelmed me a bit. My doctor said, "You may as well sign the forms. Once you are in the hospital, if you haven't signed the forms... it's not an option. If you have the forms signed, you can make your decision then. If for some reason you needed a c-section, they would do it right away. If all goes well and you deliver vaginally again, they would take you in the next day. You can always decline." So.... though I had signed the forms and we had briefly discussed this, I don't think an hour after my delivery was the best time to approach me. I was exhausted. I was emotional. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I didn't want to be away from my baby.
But, somehow I was wheeled away from the delivery room to the operating room. Also, mind you, I'm not sure I understood exactly what this meant. As soon as I was on the operating table my mind was screaming, "noooooo!! I do NOT want to do this." And then the doctor says... "okay, we are going to give you a spinal." Please think about this just for a second. I had just gone through fifteen hours of natural labor, with pitocin {which makes your contractions longer, stronger, and MORE excruciating} to laying on an operating table about to get a spinal. Ironic, much?
So I get the spinal. For about thirty minutes I am being poked here and there... "Can you feel this? Can you feel that?" "Yes, yes, YES!" But my "yeses" were me barely nodding my head, still delirious and barely talking at this point. I. was. EXHAUSTED. I had probably been up for 48 hours at this point.
After awhile, I couldn't feel the pokes on my arms and legs. They began to make the incision. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" I moaned, with panic in my eyes. The doctor asks, "Can you FEEL that?" {looking in his eyes in panic and nodding my head UP and DOWN as ferociously as I could.}
They tried for probably another 15 minutes to see if it was going to kick in.
"We are going to have to give you an epidural."
WHAT?!!! Just, WHAT?!!!! So, then sat me up on the table. I am like a limp noodle. I guess with a spinal it radiates from the sides of your body to the center and although I couldn't feel my sides, I could feel my center... where they were cutting!
So, I had about four people holding me up like a rag doll to give me the epidural and I cannot control it. Tears are streaming down my face like a waterfall. Falling, falling, falling. Drip, drip, drip, drip, DRIP.
"Sweetie, are you O-kay???", the doctor asks.
"NO, she is NOT okay. She just went through natural labor. She did NOT want an epidural and YOU ARE GIVING HER AN EPIDURAL", my nurse {who had been with me the whole time} tells the doctor.
They laid me back down and got back to poking me. I nodded "yes" about a hundred times to "can you still feel this?" I don't know how much time had passed at this point. I could still feel where they wanted to cut. So, they gave me a local. Then, they put something through my IV. I was awake the whole time, but completely delirious. At some point I couldn't feel anything and they proceeded with the operation. My eyes dripped and dripped the entire time. I. could. not. control it. It was like a river. I think the poor guy giving me all the meds felt like a complete jerk because he kept apologizing. He thinks I'm just super resistant to medication, which made sense with my epidurals not working with Silas & E.
Finally, they finished and I was wheeled to the recovery room. "You can't leave until you can wiggle your toes." Still crying, "I'm not gonna be able to wiggle my toes for ten hours at this point." They had pumped me so full of medication, I mean really! I was so upset that my nurse went to get Dusty and he tried to talk me through it. In the mean time I guess Eva's blood sugar was low and they had given her a bottle. Cue the MEGA tears. And now, they wanted him to do skin to skin. Cue, MORE TEARS. No offense to Dusty doing skin to skin, but I had just carried this baby for the loooooongest 36 weeks of my life and the only thing I wanted to do was hold my baby! My nurse asked me to try to sleep for a bit. I think I fell asleep for thirty minutes or so. I don't even know... time had stopped. Finally, she said, "Ohh! I saw a toe wiggle." It had not, but she wanted to get me to my baby.
About 6:00 p.m. I made it to my room to see my sweet baby. I was a train wreck. Exhausted. Famished. Emotionally unstable. Ha, I mean.. I'm not sure when, if ever, I have cried so much. And the tears came for days at the most random times. I didn't understand the gravity of that decision. I know maybe it sounds stupid or hard to understand, but for me as a woman, knowing one of the very important parts that allowed me to have my four precious babies was gone... it was just a lot to take in. Again, the timing of it flat out sucked. There is no way I would go back and do that again, the way it happened. In the end, I am at peace. I know that our family is complete and perfect in every way. My cup runneth over.
Eva Louise, you are a treasure. A doll. You are the perfect completion to our family. I had NO idea what it would be like to have a baby girl. I didn't even know I needed you, but I am so thankful that God did. As hard as the journey was to get here, I wouldn't have it any other way. You are beautiful, you are precious, you are LOVED beyond measure. You are adored by your daddy and your brothers. You have the biggest fan club around and are destined to be the most protected little girl in all the land. I can't wait to watch you grow and get to know YOU. I am so happy to be your momma and that YOU are my girl. I love, love, love you precious angel!
All my heart,
Mommy
And that, my friends, is the story of how Eva Louise came to be. If you haven't seen her birthday video yet, be sure to check it out here. And, grab a kleenex.
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