a beautiful mess.

May 22, 2013

Recently I came across a new photo app called “a beautiful mess” and for some reason, I cannot get that phrase out of my thoughts. To me, it’s a beautiful description of life. A beautiful mess. It’s far from perfect and often messy, but it’s beautiful.

My parents are in town. I find that when they’re around I am so instrospective, for a number of reasons. Probably because I actually have time to think. Them playing with the kids and doing many of the tasks that so tediously consume minutes of my day, frees up my time. I don’t know what to do with myself. I find myself thinking, reflecting, and pondering life.

I know you’re probably thinking - okay, crazy girl, how does A {your parents being in town} = B {deep reflective thoughts on life}?

Well, let me jump back to a statement I made a few sentences back - I don’t know what to do with myself. For seven beautiful years, I have been a mom. Sometimes {when I’m having a hard day}, I will think do myself, “I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of being a mom.” I can glamorize what it’s like to have independence, free time, or s p a c e. But when I hit those moments of rock bottom where I feel like I am running on fumes, I know deep down that that’s not what I really want - and I would never change a thing.

This morning, I had a kid free car. Silence. Complete silence. I missed the noise. Something felt missing.

Today, I am baby-less. I am sitting next to an empty pack n’ play, I do not have two little hands grabbing at every single thing imaginable within sight, there are no cries, no laughs and no cheeks covered in oatmeal. I can sit and type out my thoughts with ease. If I’m honest, it is nice in a way - I guess - but I miss the little guy.

Last night, my mom was out in the play room playing with the boys. I was sitting down on the living room floor simply watching the baby play with a toy. He was happy and content to play alone - which is a rare thing, my friends. I could hear the laughter and fun being had in the other room. Later, my mom got the kids ready for bed while I went to bed. I laid there for some moments and all I could thing was “I am supposed to be doing that.” I really had to stop myself, take a step back and resist the urge to interfere. It was okay to let my mom have those moments as a grandma, but still - it makes me realize how much I cherish my role.

Some days {you know the days} I am counting down to bedtime. I put the kids to bed. No less than five minutes later, I just want to go look at their sweet faces, snuggle with them or have a conversation with them because we have the BEST conversations. In my reality, no one has better kids. I constantly think how lucky I am and how sad for everyone else, because they just have no idea how great MY kids are. I mean, I know they just have to be SO jealous, right?! Ha. I know everyone feels this way. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I am head over heels in love with those three little beings that God entrusted to mine and Dusty’s care. When I really stop and think about it - like right now - I could cry. I love them so much, there are not words enough to express it.

They’re just so great, you know? And so is my life. THIS crazy, beautiFULL life. There is no me anymore without them. I live for the giggles, the calling out of the name “mommy” no less than a thousand times in one day, the “you’re the best mom in the whole wide world”, and even the footprints on my freshly cleaned floor, the piles of laundry, the wrestling and the fighting.

It’s a mess, you guys -- a beautiful mess. And, I love it.

And, when I have those moments, I will stop and remember.