guilt and perspective.
Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. Lately, I have felt overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trying to balance a million things all at once. This can leave me feeling like I can't do it all, I can't do all those million of things "good enough" {or to the standard I'd like to anyway}, I don't have enough time in the day and am plain exhausted. All that being said -- I simply must press on. Life cannot stop because I am tired.
This morning, during my 4:00 a.m. workout, as I was processing some of the events of yesterday, two words kept running through my head - guilt, and then perspective. If I am not careful, I can quickly go to a place where I feel like I'm not doing anything right and want to throw in the towel. Don't get me wrong, my role as a mommy is one of the greatest joys I will ever know. It is also the toughest job I will ever have. For instance...
Guilt - I feel bad for feeling like I need a break from the baby. I feel guilty that so much of my time is consumed with the baby because I know my other boys need me too. I feel bad I had to lay him down screaming for an hour because I had to cut the older boy's hair.
Perspective - :: That moment where that baby who has been crying all day looks up at me, smiles and laughs out loud for no reason. :: It makes it all worth it. Just because I feel like I could use a break from the crying doesn't make me a bad mom - it makes me human. Also, this is just for a time. This too shall pass, and one day {many years from now when my house is empty}, I will wish I had a crying baby to hold.
Guilt - I feel bad when I don't have the time or energy to make a gourmet feast with homemade everything - homemade cookies, bread, you name it. It's not organic, it's not gluten free, vegan or whatever the latest fad is. It's just plain unhealthy and a sad excuse for dinner.
Perspective - It is okay every once in awhile to throw something together. And when my kids look up and say, "Mom, you're the BEST cook EVER!", I smile and realize they really do appreciate me... and my macaroni and cheese.
Guilt - I feel frustrated that I'm the only one that picks anything up and that I'm constantly doing the same actions over and over. It's monotonous.
Perspective - I am thankful that I have a house to clean, boys to pick up after and the health to work out. I am thankful that my 6 year old asked Daddy to get Mommy a rumba for Christmas so I could "be normal and relax on the couch like the boys." My tasks do not go unnoticed and are even appreciated.
Guilt - I don't want to be that mom that is too busy doing stuff that I don't have time for the important things. I feel like a failure. I'm going to blink, my kids are going to be grown, and I will have wasted my time doing insignificant things rather than watching ninja moves.
Perspective - I can beat myself up over every single mistake, or can take this moment to listen. I can do better. I have right now, I have tomorrow. It's a good thing he's four telling me this and not eighteen. There is grace for tomorrow and I must receive it.
Guilt - Sometimes I just want to scream, "WHAT??!" Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole. Sometimes I just want five minutes of quiet or solitude. Then, I feel guilty for wanting said five minutes to myself.
Perspective - I have never been more blessed or more honored to have the name, "Mom". Also, it's okay to need a little space occasionally. I don't have to feel bad for needing it and it doesn't mean I love my kids any less. In all actuality, it will most likely make me a better mom because I can get some of my sanity back! Five minutes to be able to not think is glorious!
Guilt - Sometimes I want to tell them to please just go so I can sleep. Or, sometimes I'll pretend to be asleep. Can I please just have 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Is that really too much to ask?
Perspective - The years of the sleepless nights will soon pass. Before I know it, my kids will be way too big, much less even want to climb into my bed. I will miss the sound of tiny feet pitter pattering down the hallway and the soft whispers in my ear inquiring if I'm awake. I will miss all the little antics they use just for an excuse to come see me. I will miss how much they need me.
I've always thought that balance is the key to everything. You know, no matter how difficult some days are, they are also filled with just as much joy. I cannot always choose what happens, but I can choose my attitude - my perspective. Sometimes I think I'm failing miserably at being a parent and beat myself up over things. It's easy to make a mistake and then feel incredibly guilty. For instance, on the days where the kids are jumping off the walls, not listening and I lose it - I could choose to feel horrible and defeat myself or apologize and determine to do better next time. The moments my kids tell me, "Mom, you're the most beautiful girl in the world", "Mom, you're the BEST mom EVER" or, "I want to marry you, Mom" - those are the moments I know I'm doing my job. Those are the moments that make every time out, every messy room, every dirty piece of laundry, every sticky finger and every zillionth time I have to clean the pee off the bathroom floor worth it.
Thank you, God, for making me a mom. And not just any Mom - but a Mom to Silas, Eli, and Jeremiah. You knit them together in my womb and they were perfectly made and formed for a purpose known only to You. You have entrusted me as their Mommy, and I pray you give me the grace and patience to teach them, shape them and direct them towards You. I do not take this task lightly and know it's the toughest thing I will ever do. Help me to be the best Mom I can be. I pray that I will learn to see the joy in all circumstances, spilled milk and all.
This morning, during my 4:00 a.m. workout, as I was processing some of the events of yesterday, two words kept running through my head - guilt, and then perspective. If I am not careful, I can quickly go to a place where I feel like I'm not doing anything right and want to throw in the towel. Don't get me wrong, my role as a mommy is one of the greatest joys I will ever know. It is also the toughest job I will ever have. For instance...
:: That moment where my {teething?} baby has literally been crying all day, nothing makes him happy except being in my arms and I need to do other things, such as spend time with my other kids, make dinner, give haircuts, etc, etc... ::
Guilt - I feel bad for feeling like I need a break from the baby. I feel guilty that so much of my time is consumed with the baby because I know my other boys need me too. I feel bad I had to lay him down screaming for an hour because I had to cut the older boy's hair.
Perspective - :: That moment where that baby who has been crying all day looks up at me, smiles and laughs out loud for no reason. :: It makes it all worth it. Just because I feel like I could use a break from the crying doesn't make me a bad mom - it makes me human. Also, this is just for a time. This too shall pass, and one day {many years from now when my house is empty}, I will wish I had a crying baby to hold.
:: That moment where I've had such a busy day that dinner = macaroni and cheese for the kids and grilled cheese and canned soup for the hubs ::
Guilt - I feel bad when I don't have the time or energy to make a gourmet feast with homemade everything - homemade cookies, bread, you name it. It's not organic, it's not gluten free, vegan or whatever the latest fad is. It's just plain unhealthy and a sad excuse for dinner.
Perspective - It is okay every once in awhile to throw something together. And when my kids look up and say, "Mom, you're the BEST cook EVER!", I smile and realize they really do appreciate me... and my macaroni and cheese.
:: That moment where it's 5:00 a.m. and I've already worked out, thrown away empty water bottles, picked up shoes off the floor, swept the floor, emptied the trash, started the dryer and figured out a new adventure for Stilly the Elf before the boys wake up ::
Perspective - I am thankful that I have a house to clean, boys to pick up after and the health to work out. I am thankful that my 6 year old asked Daddy to get Mommy a rumba for Christmas so I could "be normal and relax on the couch like the boys." My tasks do not go unnoticed and are even appreciated.
:: That moment where my 4 year old asks me to watch his ninja moves and I respond, "in a minute." He responds, "you always say in a minute..." ::
Perspective - I can beat myself up over every single mistake, or can take this moment to listen. I can do better. I have right now, I have tomorrow. It's a good thing he's four telling me this and not eighteen. There is grace for tomorrow and I must receive it.
:: That moment {rather, millionth time today} that I have heard, "Mom. Mom. MOM!!!" and one of my boys wants or needs something ::
Guilt - Sometimes I just want to scream, "WHAT??!" Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole. Sometimes I just want five minutes of quiet or solitude. Then, I feel guilty for wanting said five minutes to myself.
Perspective - I have never been more blessed or more honored to have the name, "Mom". Also, it's okay to need a little space occasionally. I don't have to feel bad for needing it and it doesn't mean I love my kids any less. In all actuality, it will most likely make me a better mom because I can get some of my sanity back! Five minutes to be able to not think is glorious!
:: That moment where it's time to go to bed and all I want to do is crawl under the covers and immediately fall asleep. However, my kids proceed to get out of bed 100 times, come to my side of the bed and ask a zillion questions, want water, need to go to the bathroom, insist on telling me a joke, want to show me a cool trick or want to sleep next to me ::
Perspective - The years of the sleepless nights will soon pass. Before I know it, my kids will be way too big, much less even want to climb into my bed. I will miss the sound of tiny feet pitter pattering down the hallway and the soft whispers in my ear inquiring if I'm awake. I will miss all the little antics they use just for an excuse to come see me. I will miss how much they need me.
I've always thought that balance is the key to everything. You know, no matter how difficult some days are, they are also filled with just as much joy. I cannot always choose what happens, but I can choose my attitude - my perspective. Sometimes I think I'm failing miserably at being a parent and beat myself up over things. It's easy to make a mistake and then feel incredibly guilty. For instance, on the days where the kids are jumping off the walls, not listening and I lose it - I could choose to feel horrible and defeat myself or apologize and determine to do better next time. The moments my kids tell me, "Mom, you're the most beautiful girl in the world", "Mom, you're the BEST mom EVER" or, "I want to marry you, Mom" - those are the moments I know I'm doing my job. Those are the moments that make every time out, every messy room, every dirty piece of laundry, every sticky finger and every zillionth time I have to clean the pee off the bathroom floor worth it.
Thank you, God, for making me a mom. And not just any Mom - but a Mom to Silas, Eli, and Jeremiah. You knit them together in my womb and they were perfectly made and formed for a purpose known only to You. You have entrusted me as their Mommy, and I pray you give me the grace and patience to teach them, shape them and direct them towards You. I do not take this task lightly and know it's the toughest thing I will ever do. Help me to be the best Mom I can be. I pray that I will learn to see the joy in all circumstances, spilled milk and all.
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