giving up control.

March 08, 2012

I’m back to the land of the living. After three nights and two days of downing the Dayquil and feeling completely sorry for my miserable, sick-with-the-flu self, I’m feeling much better. Not quite 100%, but definitely capable of functioning and working, rather than wanting to hibernate in my bed. {relief} Here’s hoping no one else gets this wretchedness.

It’s funny the moments that God uses to teach you. Something hit me the past two days as I really wasn’t capable of working {it’s rare I’m sick enough to stay home, especially to the point where I’m laying in bed}. Not that I didn’t already know this about myself - what I mean is that it really hit me. I do not like to give up control.

Tuesday morning I laid awake in the wee hours of the morning fully aware that I could not possibly go to work. I told myself I was too tired to get up and get the kids ready for school. Someone {either my MIL or Dusty’s grandma} could’ve picked the boys up and taken them for me. To be honest, I just preferred they stay home with me. If you think about it, this is completely stupid. #1) Silas needs to go to school. #2) I would have gotten a ton more rest without them there. Call me crazy, but I like my kids with me {control freak}. If they are with me, I know they are okay. For the same reason, I prefer them not to ride in cars with other people. Obviously I better learn how to give this up - what am I going to do when they’re driving one day? It’s all about releasing my control and giving them over to God. Yes, God made me their mom and I should protect, love and guide them - but I have to be able to rest, knowing that God is in control no matter what. I did the very same thing on Wednesday. I actually went into work for about an hour, solely because I needed to help Dusty get his car from a mechanic near my school, plus I wanted to drop Silas off. I dropped both boys off at first, but when I finally decided to leave, I took Eli with me. Why? I have no idea. Again, I could have left him - but I wanted him with me.

I rationalized - he is so easy. He doesn’t need to be at school anyway. Plus, he’ll take a nap with me. I just love the little guy.

My mom mentioned to me in a text yesterday that I need to learn to let people help me. To be honest, it kind of made me mad at first. Or defensive, rather - mostly because I know it’s true. I’m the type of person that would rather do something myself, because I know I’ll do it right - or at least, the way I want it done. I’d also rather do something than wait for someone else to do it, because then it’s done on my timing {this is the reason I have put together the boy’s bunk bed, crib, bikes, bookshelves, etc.}

Where my kids are concerned, I think to myself - no one loves them as much as I do, therefore, are not capable of taking care of them the way I would. Kind of true, yet kind of faulty. Of course, parents have a crazy intense love for their kids that no one else does {with the exception of grandparents, of course!}. But even as much as I love them, God loves them more than I do and it’s great and amazing for other people to care about them too.

So this morning, I was reading a couple of little devotionals and the verse on one of them was 1 John 4:19, “We love because he first loved us.” I don’t know why, but it kind of stopped me in my tracks. We are only capable of loving God and others because God first loved us. It also made me think - wait a minute - love isn’t just offering love, but receiving it.

Then, onto MUFHH, I came upon this, “To become one with Jesus Christ, a person must be willing not only to give up sin, but also to surrender his whole way of looking at things. Being born again by the Spirit of God means that we must first be willing to let go before we can grasp something else. The first thing we must surrender is all of our pretense or deceit. What our Lord wants us to present to Him is not our goodness, honesty, or our efforts to do better, but real solid sin. Actually, that is all He can take from us. And what He gives us in exchange for our sin is real solid righteousness. But we must surrender all pretense that we are anything, and give up all our claims of even being worthy of God’s consideration.”

My control is a sin. Imagine the freedom I would feel if I’d just release it. The freedom to love and be love in returned. The freedom to not be perfect. The freedom to give my kids over to God and know that He is in control no matter what - even if the most unimaginable, unspeakable thing were to happen to them. As much as I want to hold all the pieces together, I cannot. I am perfectly incapable. Ultimately, my desire for control is a complete lack of trust in God. And believe me, my life would be a lot more peaceful were I able to release my crazy Type A, perfectionist ways and consider the things of life that are much more important.

So in my day to day life, I pray that I can release control. God, I know that you are in control and as much as I strive to be, I really have control over nothing. Help me to just give up and give you the reigns.

Hopefully next time I’m sick, I’ll let someone help me. Keep me in check :)

For the fun of it, here's this week in photos, since I've been absent!