trust.
I barely slept last night.
My mind has been spinning lately - there's just a lot going on. It's a busy time of the year, a busy time in life and I've had some things weighing heavily on my heart. As I was putting baby Jay to bed, I witnessed quite the scene.
You see, I'm getting to the point where I need to wean him. I say that hesitantly because I get mixed reactions when I mention that he is not yet weaned {it seems it isn't as socially acceptable of a thing in our society, but that's a whole other topic} but it's necessary for the story. Regardless, it was his bed time, and I decided I would just lay him down to bed instead of nursing him to sleep. Boy, was this ever harder than I thought. Once I made the choice to set him down, there was no turning back. This is where every maternal instinct in my body screamed "NO!!", but the rational side of me realizes that it's inevitable no matter what. At some point, the child has to learn how to fall asleep on his own. As much as I want to comfort him and hold him, I mean - we cannot function this way forever. But here's what I'm getting at, my friends... I watched a struggle - a battle, really - for well over an hour. I was in the room. I stayed next to the crib where he could see and even touch me. I whispered to him, shushed him gently, and even tried quietly singing some lullabies to comfort him. But he wouldn't give up. I watched him fight. I watched him scream, kick, throw a stuffed animal from the crib, try to climb out, fall asleep standing up, fall asleep sitting up and eventually, very SLOWLY close those sleepy little eyes, release the death grip his two tiny hands had on the railings, and rest his sweet head on the mattress.
As I watched the scene unfold, I couldn't help but think of myself. So often I choose to fight - to struggle - rather than choose to rest. Maybe things don't always feel "comfortable" or "easy", but God is always there, always in control, always patiently waiting. Too often than I'd like to admit, I attempt to rely on my own insufficiencies, rather than trust in God, whom I know to be trustworthy. How foolish is this? Some days, it seems like I'll never learn. Things would be a whole heck of a lot easier if I'd just give in, trust, and stop trying to rely on my own strength. How long does it take to make the head knowledge, heart knowledge? A lifetime, I'm sure. But I'd rather spend that life-time striving, than complacent. I'd rather be discontent with where I'm at, than content. I'd rather flourish, than remain stagnant.
Food for thought -
My mind has been spinning lately - there's just a lot going on. It's a busy time of the year, a busy time in life and I've had some things weighing heavily on my heart. As I was putting baby Jay to bed, I witnessed quite the scene.
You see, I'm getting to the point where I need to wean him. I say that hesitantly because I get mixed reactions when I mention that he is not yet weaned {it seems it isn't as socially acceptable of a thing in our society, but that's a whole other topic} but it's necessary for the story. Regardless, it was his bed time, and I decided I would just lay him down to bed instead of nursing him to sleep. Boy, was this ever harder than I thought. Once I made the choice to set him down, there was no turning back. This is where every maternal instinct in my body screamed "NO!!", but the rational side of me realizes that it's inevitable no matter what. At some point, the child has to learn how to fall asleep on his own. As much as I want to comfort him and hold him, I mean - we cannot function this way forever. But here's what I'm getting at, my friends... I watched a struggle - a battle, really - for well over an hour. I was in the room. I stayed next to the crib where he could see and even touch me. I whispered to him, shushed him gently, and even tried quietly singing some lullabies to comfort him. But he wouldn't give up. I watched him fight. I watched him scream, kick, throw a stuffed animal from the crib, try to climb out, fall asleep standing up, fall asleep sitting up and eventually, very SLOWLY close those sleepy little eyes, release the death grip his two tiny hands had on the railings, and rest his sweet head on the mattress.
As I watched the scene unfold, I couldn't help but think of myself. So often I choose to fight - to struggle - rather than choose to rest. Maybe things don't always feel "comfortable" or "easy", but God is always there, always in control, always patiently waiting. Too often than I'd like to admit, I attempt to rely on my own insufficiencies, rather than trust in God, whom I know to be trustworthy. How foolish is this? Some days, it seems like I'll never learn. Things would be a whole heck of a lot easier if I'd just give in, trust, and stop trying to rely on my own strength. How long does it take to make the head knowledge, heart knowledge? A lifetime, I'm sure. But I'd rather spend that life-time striving, than complacent. I'd rather be discontent with where I'm at, than content. I'd rather flourish, than remain stagnant.
Food for thought -
“God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.”
C.S. Lewis
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31
Watching my baby scream and cry, I desperately wanted him to realize - "I am here. I am right here. You are safe. You are protected. You are loved. I mean this for your good. Just trust me." And in that moment, I knew God was saying the same to me. And I pondered on that thought much of the night.
2 Comments
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. It is heartbreaking to watch them cry :( But I also encourage myself with scriptures and it does not mean you are a bad parent. Follow your heart :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete