From My Heart...Part 2

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure where this is going, but I have so many thoughts swirling through my mind right now. The past few days, I have had a lot of time to think. A week ago I shared some of what was going on inside me and have had some different and honest feedback. Again, my intent in keeping what was going on to myself was nothing personal against anyone - simply a choice I made for a number of reasons. You really learn a lot about yourself when you are forced to sit still and really look at what's inside. I know that I am constantly on the go, fulfilling a number of different roles - wife, mommy, employee, friend, daughter, sister, etc. Some of these roles are easier for me than others, as I'm sure everyone can relate to. Since Thursday, I have been physically limited in doing the things that I would typically do throughout my day such as working, running, picking up my kids, errands, cleaning the house, etc. This afternoon I was sitting on the couch watching mindless TV, feeling like I was going to go crazy on the inside. I just want to do something. I feel useless. The house is quiet and it's just me, with no one to take care of. Isn't it true that we get so caught up in everything, that we miss the point? "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. Do I even know how to do that anymore? I am so defined by all my roles, that I too often forget to stop and take care of me - and by me, I mean nourishing my soul - spending time with God - living for the purpose of which I was intended. I often feel so distant and it seems easier to slide further and further away because maybe I don't know how to go back. I have the knowledge to know that's absolutely not true, but also have a greater fear of stepping out in faith to just let go, realizing I'm not needed in the driver's seat. It's literally like banging my head against a wall - completely unproductive and senseless.

Let me stop for a minute because I have so much I want to share. Sometimes I have been made to feel like vulnerability is a weakness - like it was a cry out for attention, or maybe there are some things we just shouldn't talk about. But really, what is the point in relationships if we cannot be honest? I want to learn and grow and to enhance the relationships I have because I can be honest. And this is something that I have learned even in the past week due to not being vulnerable. That being said, for awhile now, I have buried myself in my own feelings of guilt. Growing up, I believed that I would be on the mission field one day. It was everything I pursued and worked towards. It's why I went to Moody, to get a degree in International Ministries. Along the way, I met Dusty and we got married. But deep down, parts of me felt like I failed - or that I chose something else over "God's calling" on my life. I put that in parenthesis, only because though I believe my intentions were 100%, maybe I put myself in a box and let that define me. I also had people that were disappointed and let me know it. I didn't know what to do with that, because I really believed that God brought Dusty and I together and we were supposed to be married. I also have not let myself live that down. Instead, I have become very busy - very perfectionistic - very consumed in everything but God. I say this with tears streaming down my face because I hate that that's the case. But I do know good news - there is also a freedom in acknowledging that. I don't have to live like this. I don't have to be defined by all my little boxes - they aren't me. And isn't that so contrary to the grace that God extends to us in the first place? In Him, we are made new. Even when we do fail, He is there extending His hand of grace, longing to pick us back up.

I was searching for a Scripture to put into words what is on my heart. "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." This was Paul's prayer for Ephesian church and what a powerful prayer. I pray that I can truly grasp the depths of His love and live in that power. I don't want to just go about my days, my life, consumed with mindless details and tasks that I have to complete in order to have a sense of accomplishment. Rather, I want my life to be full of purpose - the purpose that God intended. I pray that I will be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. I pray that my life will be a representation of His love, not just a life consumed with being busy.

I love the Caedmon's Call song, Piece of Glass. I'm not sure of the exact story behind it, but think everyone can relate to the overall concept of what we may sometimes see when we look at ourselves in the mirror.

"Who are you that lies when you stare at my face

Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was

'Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me

You're gone as soon as I leave, you've lived my life for me

And you're no more than a piece of glass

You're no more than just a piece of glass"

What do you see, what do I see, when we look in the mirror? Do you see your past - defining you as a person? Are you consumed with guilt and hopelessness?

Or do you see grace - do you see the future and a hope?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I choose hope.