It's just me
Wow, I am ever so behind on blogging! I started it as sort of an outlet for me and it seems I haven't had much time lately. Which begins a good topic for me to write about. I was just saying to Dusty today that I feel like I've been in a *funk* lately. I really don't know of a better word to describe how I've been *feeling*. I can already tell I'm going to go off on a tangent, so get ready. I hate even using the word feeling. Not because I think its weak to express how I'm feeling, I just don't like to live my life driven by my emotions. I'd like to think I can just be practical and do the things that need to get done and not break down or get upset. (Ha, maybe I do feel like its weak because I was just about to say "I want to be strong".) The point is, lately I have just felt really alone. But how is it that we can be surrounded by people and feel alone? I often wonder if many people feel that way, just no one else knows it. Which, ironically would mean that we aren't really alone at all...at least in our thinking!
We are all so busy. Interestingly enough, what matters most in life is our relationships, but it seems like we don't have time for the people we care about because we get too wrapped up in doing everything that has to be done. At least I do! I'm so busy getting out the door, going to work, keeping the boy's on their schedule, running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, etc...that I don't have time to make that phone call I've been meaning to make or go hang out with a friend...or whatever it is I would like to do but never do. I guess I can't complain about *feeling* like people don't have time for me, because it appears I don't make much time for other people either. It's not that I don't want too...If I had to pinpoint what it is, I would say its because of the kids. Now don't get my wrong, my kids are the biggest blessing ever and one of the best parts of my life, but my life COMPLETELY revolves around them. Point proven...it's the middle of the night and I couldn't even get through this blog without Silas waking up. I just had to stop what I was doing and put him back to bed. My sleep (or lack thereof), my work, my entire schedule revolve around the boys and their schedule. I get up at the same time everyday, get Silas to school, leave school at the exact time so I can get the boys home for their nap (I absolutely cannot do ANYTHING during their naptime and often turn down opportunities to do other things b/c they MUST get their nap. If they don't, they get exhausted and are either a) terribly worn out and cranky the rest of the day or b) take a late nap and then it totally screws up their bedtime and most likely the entire next day because their schedule got thrown off), etc. I think anyone reading this gets my drift. I'm sure it sounds like I'm really complaining right now. And that's not my intent. I LOVE being a mom, its just that it takes 99.9% of my time. I cannot even recall the last time I went somewhere without one of the boys...it's been that long. I was just trying to figure out today the last time that Dusty and I went on a date. I remembered...it was our anniversary, almost 6 months ago.
So what's the problem here? Am I just not flexible, or am I being a *good* mom. Do I put too much energy into my kids and not enough into myself? Maybe part of being a *good* mom is taking time for myself so I can stay grounded...therefore, being an even better mom. I don't even know. I'm sort of beside myself right now, not knowing what to do. I find it hard to ask for help because I don't want to impose on other people...afterall, everyone else is busy too, right? How do I ask someone else to watch my kids so I can get out and do something, when they probably need time to themselves too?
Grrrr...I'm exhausting myself just writing this! I feel sorry for anyone actually reading it =)
Anyhow, I guess what I'm saying is I feel worn out. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but that's obviously not an option. So there has to be a better solution...I guess I'm gonna have to start asking for help. Or, using the time I have more wisely! The last two times that Mark and Brenda watched the boys, I spent the entire day deep cleaning the house.
So there it is - there's me being honest. Too some it could come across as complaining, feeling sorry for myself, being weak, etc., but it is what it is, and that's how I *feel*. That's okay though - I don't think we can truly change and grow as a person if we aren't willing to recognize areas in our life where we struggle or evaluate what's going on so we can stay grounded.
So to sum it up without all the tangents:
* I need to make more time for myself.
* I need to make sure I keep my priorities without losing the things that are truly the most important.
* I need to not to be too stubborn to ask for help.
* and...I need to be less defensive. I just re-read this and it seems I feel the need to explain what I'm explaining. It's okay to let my guard down, that's being vulnerable. I need to just be me, and not feel the need to defend every little thing! It seems I'm a little complicated!
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